An amalgam of videos

I feel terrible that I have this sort of website and I don’t seem to be using it to my full potential. To say sorry, I have a gift; Many many videos on Anorexia and body positivity.

Please enjoy xxxx

 

Why I can’t post Recovery food pictures on Instagram:

It’s not that I don’t like the idea of positing recovery food pictures on my Instagram, far from it. I have done my fair share of doing that earlier on in my Instagram days and got many likes from other recoverers because of it, but unlike my fellow followers or the people I follow, I cannot post pictures of my food all the time due to these things:

  1. I am not desperately ill anymore.
  2. that’s not my whole worth; I am so much more than the food I eat. I have a personality and a mind, all needing attention to.
  3. The person who posts those pictures up is not me. Subconsciously, it is my Anorexia bully trying to tunnel his way back into my life.

My Anorexia made me focus solely on food and that idea became my life; and that was the life I lived for two years; conscious of the food I put in my body which made me disregard most of the eat well plate and made me eat fibre for most of my meals, so when everything else was disintegrating in my body like my low red blood cell count and my non-existent muscles at least I could tell my doctor that at least I was eating my vitamin C.

I became a high-restraint eater; a psychology term for someone who is conscious of what they put into their body and listens more to their brain than their actual body when they are hungry. This made me good at sticking to my absurd diet with its many, many rules but when it came to recovery, my body wanted to let go of all those rules and eat until I was nearly sick. That is part of high-restraint eating too.

My Anorexia made me pore over cookery books, looking at pictures of cakes, biscuits and desserts that I didn’t allow myself to have as they were poisonous foods to me yet I really did fantasise about them. Stuff loving the opposite sex, I was more in love with a good old picture of a chocolate cheesecake with chocolate frosting. I also bought many cookery books so that I could prepare meals and ‘test’ myself on how much restraint I had when baking a cake, hoping that I wouldn’t eat the cake batter, the buttercream or the cake in general.

So when I started recovering, I put food on such a high alert, that again, it was all I could think about as I started restorative eating, that I lost sight of what life would be like over the other side of this;  Anorexia’s technique to grab you back into its domain is to make you think that what you are eating and doing is a terrible thing and that you should start thinking about food again so that you can restrict again. My body thankfully wouldn’t allow me that; instead thinking about food would only make me want it more. So I would eat and not stop. This is not a bad thing, but in our society this is seen as the biggest crime that you could commit! And god, save your soul if you get fat! If these were real crimes, then I suppose I would have been in jail, but for reasons that no – one would understand:

 

That I was a recovering Anorexic who was just letting the body do its natural thing. Now, is that such a crime? er, no. Is eating and not stopping such a crime? No. And should being a different size to someone else give you a life sentence of shame, guilt and misery by your peers? No! And that is what I have learnt!

Anorexia was my peer. And he was constantly there in my head, judging me and telling me what to do. So since I have crushed the little bugger to nothing more than a pip in the back of my brain, I have lived a life where I don’t give a damn about what I put in my body! And you shouldn’t either! My friends, family, future and my personality are much more important than that slice of cake I ate earlier.

So when I see those pictures of recoverers posting pictures of the food they are eating, I can’t help but think  if that is it them who are posting pictures of  their food to stick two fingers up at Anorexia, or is it Anorexia trying to make them think about food so that they will switch and return back to him? Part of your recovery journey is meant to be about letting go of the food addiction and return to a place where you couldn’t give a toss if you ate an entire pizza or a burger without salad. I had to learn the hard way, and sure it took me a long time to come to this ideal and mantra that I live by; but I always remember that I am alive, my body is working normally (Apart from that teeny stress fracture on my foot but hey, that’s Anorexia’s parting gift to me. So he isn’t such a great friend after all.)

So the next time, before you post that picture of your lunch, just try and think about who is posting this? Anorexia or you? If it’s Anorexia, delete it and post another one up. That other picture of you smiling will still stick two fingers up at Anorexia in the same way. Food does not define you. Your personality does.

And this is my personality:  shoving chocolate bars in my mouth because I can. So shut up Anorexia, and get back to your tiny brain compartment where you belong.  IMG_8889

 

Ellie Berry xxx

 

Anorexia Binge eating

This part of recovery needs to be talked about. So many recoverers suffer from this, yet I find that not many mental health teams know about this and could misdiagnose this with ‘binge eating disorder’ which we don’t want. I want people to understand that this is a normal part of the recovery and I will be tackling this issue from all sides; medically, my story, and advice to friends, family and medical and mental professionals.  I am going to make this a series so that people learn and understand about the Binge eating as it’s scary for the sufferer and also medics and mental health teams who don’t understand it.